I am a champion over-thinker. I can whip myself into an anxious frenzy faster than almost any other person I know. Thoughts of the future and my place in it are no exception. “What if I can’t get a job?” “What if I can’t pay off my loans?” “what if no one ever loves me?” “will I ever truly be happy?” are thoughts that repeat themselves in my skull like an echo-chamber. To combat this, my nights and mornings have become a strict routine of visualization in the hopes of manifestation not just for the sake of the future but for the sake of the present. Each night, as I climb into my bed I yank open the drawer beside me and pull out three things: a large blue notebook, a gray list book, and a pen. I begin by uncapping the pen, flipping open the blue notebook and placing my pen to the page I write about my day. How I felt. What happened. It’s a way for me to help process the day and actually get my feelings outside of myself before they twist up like a rope, choking me from the inside. Around half an hour later I close the notebook and flip open the small list book. If you didn’t know why and you just found this book lying around, you’d think I was crazy upon opening it. The pages are full of the phrases: “I am happy. I am confident. I am at peace. I am open to all good things.” scratched onto the paper over and over again as if the person who wrote them was writing as if to prevent some great disaster. The process repeats in the morning as I once again open my drawer and pull out the list book and begin again to clear my mind and set a good intention for my day. All this in some sort of an attempt to prevent the voice racking itself around in my brain from overthinking my day before it even begins. 

The funny thing is, I have faith that the future will take care of itself. I have experienced enough in my short 19 years of existence to know that everything happens for a reason. I have had times in my life where it felt like the world was ending and yet it’s looking back on those moments now that I can see that they were the experiences that have made my life that much better in the long run. When I think about my life in the future, no matter where I am, I am surrounded by people who genuinely love and care about me, I am married with a few children, I am financially secure, and I am truly, deeply, happy. Perhaps, my endless “scratching” into my notebooks as my roommate so lovingly puts it, is less about my attempts to prevent some great disaster from happening in the future and more about my hope of keeping my mind clear and open so that I can truly experience the present while I’m here.