In one of my responses to a previous question, I mentioned how I just wanted all of this to be over so I can hold my grandmother’s hand again. Well, a few days ago I found out that I may never get to do that. My parents sat my sister and I down and told us that she hasn’t been doing very well for about a month. They don’t know when could be this week, could be two months from now (my grandmother is incredibly stubborn and has been known to bounce back when you least expect it) but they think she may be passing away soon and so my family is preparing for her potential death as best we can. 

This seems to come at the worst time possible. The fact that my grandmother may pass away soon and I can’t even see her to say goodbye makes me feel very upset and angry and a million other feelings that I don’t even know if they have names for. So, I decided to use this assignment to write a letter to her, what I would say to her if I could. 

Dear mommom, 

You are the strongest person I know. I am struggling to find the words to accurately say how much I love  you. You seem to always know just what to say. When I was younger and nervous about joining a local choir you looked me in the eyes and said “when you sing, you sing with your heart. That’s all that matters.” I am notorious for having freezing cold hands and I was always insecure about it. I don’t remember when it started but a few years ago every time I would give you a kiss, hello, you’d grab my hand and say “cold hands warm heart.” you were the first person to ever make me feel like having cold hands wasn’t so bad. 

I am sad that you won’t be able to see me graduate college or sing at my wedding like I had always hoped. But I know that when that day comes I’ll hear your powerful voice somewhere among the chorus of friends and family. 

I am going to miss you so much. Thank you for all the laughs. For all the hugs. For all the sticky grandma lipstick kisses. For all the holiday memories. For all the little blurbs of wisdom. For being an example to me and everyone else in the family of how to be strong, how to not take shit from anyone even life itself, how to have faith even when times are tough, and to take care of those you love. You are an incredible woman mommom. I can only hope to be half the person that you were.

I know that one day we will see each other again. And you’ll make that excited surprised face and point when you see me. You’ll laugh and point to my dad and say “I bet he was still a pain in the ass long after I was gone!” even though you know you raised him to be a wonderful father. And I’ll hear you sing again with that incredible voice of yours that somehow echos through a room no matter how bad the acoustics are. You’ll pull me around and introduce me to everyone saying “and this is my granddaughter Brianna”  And you’ll grab my hand and squeeze it tight with that bizarrely strong grip you have and you’ll look into my eyes with a smile and say “cold hands, warm heart”.

I love you mommom, thank you for everything. 

Love,

Brianna (your favorite grandchild)

  • Brianna O’Doherty