Sometimes, when you’re in the middle of it all, its hard to see what you could possibly be learning. It’s easy for me to think “I am at home, in my room doing nothing all day. I’ve learned nothing.” but that’s not true. And as I’ve thought about it more. I can begin to see what I’ve learned. And it’s quite a lot. Here are 3 of the main ones. 

  1. Projecting

Anxiety sucks. Especially when you feel anxious about something that you know isn’t real or isn’t happening. It can make you feel crazy. My friend, who has been through similar experiences, informed me that this is called ‘projecting’, it’s your brain “projecting” what happened to you before onto what’s happening now. To which I responded, “there’s a word for it??”  I’m not sure how I did it. But I’ve learned how to keep that little voice in my head quiet. To remind my brain that what’s happening now is not what happened before. It has been a very difficult process, but quarantine and being out of the normal routines I use to keep my anxiety at bay has helped me to push myself through it. That doesn’t mean the anxious thoughts go away, but rather, that I know how to tune them out and not give them that power they once had over me.

  1. God shouts from the void

I have learned that God (or whomever you chose to believe or not believe in) acts when you least expect it. Two weeks ago, I was struggling a lot. I had just learned that my grandmother wasn’t doing well and quarantine was really starting to get to me. I sat on the couch and opened Instagram to try and distract myself from the explosive feelings mounting inside of me when I clicked on my friend’s Instagram story. She had posted the bible verse Isaiah 41:10. My heart dropped. That was the same verse that I had on the cover of my leadership binder when I lead the Kairos retreat and my friend who posted it, had been one of the kids in my small group. On top of this, when I mentioned it to her, she told me that she posted it because her grandmother had just passed and she needed some sort of comfort. This verse, in particular, is God telling us that He is with us and we have nothing to fear or be anxious about. Fitting for this moment right? This is not the only time this semester that God has shouted to me from the void, but it’s one of the biggest and most recent ones. These moments, for me, serve as a reminder that God is moving things for your good even when you can’t see it. I really can’t see it right now, not even a little bit. But maybe one day I will.

  1. Feel what you’re feeling. 

I’ve spoken a few times on this blog about my grandmother. How all I wanted to do was hold her hand again. I’ll never get to do that. We buried her on Thursday. I am a very emotional person and I felt for years that you had to have a reason for why you were feeling something. I think this is part of why I struggle with anxiety occasionally. I feel like I have to define what I’m feeling instead of just acknowledging that I’m feeling it. After my grandmother passed, I was out for one of my bikes rides feeling anxious because I felt weird and I didn’t know why. I had been finding myself getting angry and upset with people when I had no reason to be. Feeling exhausted. Not knowing how to keep up a conversation even though I desperately wanted to talk to people. And then I remembered: I’m grieving. That’s why I feel this way. These feelings aren’t attached to any person or situation or action. They simply exist because I experienced a loss. It’s okay to just feel the way you feel without having to define it or give yourself or anyone else a reason for it. 

I’ve learned a lot this semester. And I’m sure I will keep learning from it even long after it’s over. The final thing I’ve learned. I’m okay where I am. Maybe not happy right now with everything going on, but I am okay. This isn’t the end. Maybe the whole point of this is so we can all see what we’ve learned and move forward into a better brighter future. But I’m not worried about that right now. If we all just take it one day at a time eventually we will get there. 

  • Brianna O’Doherty